This talk draws on the work of John Maxwell and explores one of the most difficult task facing leaders and managers today.  Confrontation is common in the workplace and organisations are deleteriously affected if poor relationships are not restored.  The effect on morale, productivity, performance is serious.  Read further if you want to learn how to confront in a positive way and get your team to pull together.

What thoughts come to your mind with the word confrontation?

What does confrontation look like, sound like, feel like to you?

Who likes confrontation?

Are you having or have you had a difficult time with someone in your organisation?  If the answer is yes, then have you gone directly to that person and talked about it?  So often, people talk to others and their friends about the issue instead on sitting down one-on-one to work through the problem.  The suggestions for dealing with confrontation that follow, are based on the assumption that you will be proactive in dealing with confrontation and that you will work directly with the person to resolve the situation.

Opening Observations:

Confrontation is difficult

• If you find it easy to confront other people, then you probably have major psychological and emotional problems!
• For me it’s more like sleepless nights, stress, nervousness and tension before confrontation.  How about you?
• As leaders we have to sit down one-on-one with people and, be honest and confront people in the spirit of love.

Self-confrontation should precede the confrontation with others

• “Why do you look at the speck  of dust in someone else’s eye if you don’t look at the plank in your own eye?
• It’s little point confronting someone on an issue if it’s a problem in our own lives.  We need to walk the talk before we have the right to confront others.
• The issue might be a wrong perception we have because we have not dealt with it in our own lives.

Conflict is unavoidable

Motion causes friction.

• The more people you have in your organisation, the more friction there will be.
  "Our underlying premise is that in life we will make adjustments. And by 'adjustments' we presuppose that the parties will fundamentally strive to pull together." (The Art of Japanese Management: Applications for American Executives by Richard Tanner, Pascale & Anthony G. Athos [Simon & Schuster, 1981)
• As a leader we need to accept that confronting people is a normal part of our job.  Knowing and accepting this makes in easier.
• As a leader we accept this as a negative part of our job.

Why it is Difficult to Confront?

1. Fear of being disliked.
   Our precious egos are so fragile aren’t they?  And we all liked to be liked I’m sure.
2. Fear of creating anger or making something worse.
   This is an incorrect assumption. What makes matters worse is not the confrontation itself, but the spirit in which we confront.  It’s the attitude we take into the room.
3. Fear of rejection
4. Pharisaism
   The problem of confronting someone when the same issue is a problem in our own life
5. We may not be used to sharing our feelings
6. Lack of confrontation skills

Take heart, timid Confronter. The next time you're persuaded to confront someone but don't know where to begin, help is available. Thanks to the new Confronter's Bible, you need no longer hem and haw with cryptic references, subtle hints, or suggestive innuendoes about the error of his ways.

Like the Eschatology Bible, with all the rapture verses shaded in pre-millennial purple, and the Social Justice Bible, with all references that produce guilt accented in oppressive orange, the Confronter's Bible contains a colour coordinated system highlighting verses on relevant themes: rebuking (passion pink), sins to be avoided (stop sign red), straying from the straight and narrow (off white).

An index assists the confronter in deciding the best way to approach the erring brother or sister. Should you confront via telephone? Only if the offender is over six feet. Should you meet in a restaurant?  Only if it has three stars.

In the event the rebukee does not respond to your "speaking the truth in love, " try any of these suggested alternatives: pull his hair (Nehemiah 13:25), set his fields on fire (Judges 15:5), call out the she bears (2 Kings 2:24).

What more can be said about the Confronter's Bible, except: Offenders beware! (adapted from Christianity Today magazine)

Win or take all attitude

• Like the old western shoot-out “Make my day”!
• This is totally the wrong attitude. 
• Sometimes after sitting down with someone you realise that they are right and that you have not got the full story.

I’ll lose their support attitude

• People with this attitude fear that confrontation will destroy trust love and support
• “They won’t love me any more”
• This is not true.  With the right spirit in confrontation, you will find that you often develop positive, strong and friendly relationships with the people you confront.

Walk away from it

• This is a “peace at any price” strategy
• This is not necessarily wrong because there may be times when it is better to walk away from confrontation (e.g. don’t sweat the small stuff)
• Don’t let personal feelings take priority over what is best for the organisation.
• Fred Smith explains it this way:
  "Whenever I am tempted not to act in a difficult personnel situation, I ask myself, 'Am I holding back for my personal comfort or for the good of the organisation?  If I am doing what makes me comfortable, I am embezzling. If doing what is good for the organization also happens to make me comfortable, that's wonderful. But if I am treating irresponsibility irresponsibly, I must remember that two wrongs do not make a right." (Fred Smith)
• Most people confront too much when its personal and too little when its organisational (eg If someone offends me, I’ll confront them easier than if they offend the organisation. REASON - THE EGO
• If confrontation is about dealing with your ego, then we sometimes need to let it pass and move on. 
• But if it is dealing with the well-being of the organisation, then we need to accept responsibility.

Whine about it (Nobody knows the trouble I see syndrome)

"When I complain, I do it because 'it's good to get things off my chest;' when you complain, I remind you that griping doesn't help anybody." (Sydney Harris)

Weak at it (Stick the head in the sand syndrome)

• Hope it will go away
  Surprisingly, many times this is the best option to consider. Leaders many times elevate insignificant incidents to the status of significant problems simply by agreeing to discuss the matter further. Since most leaders are not looking for additional work, this option to confrontation can be indeed useful. The insightful leader needs to be aware of which incidents ought to be handled this way and when...
• But overlooking some issues such as misinformation may be OK.  Just let it go.  It doesn’t matter (eg colour of the carpets in the office space)
• Do you know someone who has to correct people on every issue?  They just can’t let anything go.  They have an ego problem and their actions make them feel superior if they correct you in any way.
• “I get ego stokes if I can tell you something that you don’t know.” Are you like that?
• There is a time to wink and let it go BUT
• Where there are real issues and these need fixing, then we can’t afford to bury our head in the sand.

Wade around it (You are so right syndrome)

• When ever anyone raises an issue, the response is always “You are so right”

Story – Bill comes to the boss with a problem about John another colleague - “You are so right Bill”

Then John comes to the boss to complain about Bill –

“You are so right John”.

Another colleague, Mary, overhears this and says to the boss.  When Bill came to complain about John you said “You were so right Bill and when John came to complain about Bill you said “you were so right John” To which the boss replied –

“You are so right Mary”

This type of “tip toe through the tulips” and never addressing and fixing the problem, is a terrible way to handle conflict

White Flag it ( I surrender syndrome)

• This is the doormat, humble approach – waving the white flag
  Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Work at it

Two fold responsibility of a responsible leader:

To be true to the leadership responsibility given to him or her

True to the literature of effective leadership (A leader is a reader)

As leaders, we are to be concerned, in a positive sense, about other people.  For example:

• "Each of you should look... to the interests of others."
• "Be reconciled to your colleague.”
• "Spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
• "Restore with the spirit of gentleness.”
• "Speak the truth in love."

For those of you with a Biblical background it is interesting to note that the words, "admonish, reprove, rebuke and exhort, "are used over 100 times in the Bible.

When confronting someone, the following three goals will help you do it with the right spirit.

When I'm getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say   and two thirds thinking about him and what he is going to say. "(Abraham Lincoln)

Goal 2 - To bring about a positive change

A problem starts as a small thing, just slightly off the line; allow it to continue and the duration gets worse. Eventually it will hurt the organization.

Goal 3 - To have a growing relationship

Eugene Habecker says, "We confront not to embarrass, belittle, tear down, or humiliate. We confront because of our commitment to help others reach their potential.

Ten Confrontation Steps to "Clear the Air"

Clear the air immediately and personally

• Confront 1/1 personally (not by phone or by letter unless distance is a problem)
• Don't "gunnysack". Gunnysacking is saving up all your complaints and problems until the bag is full and then dumping it on the person.

Confront with the right spirit

• A right spirit is always based on what your goal(s) for confrontation are
• Leaders must be neither overeager nor too hesitant to confront. Again, I confront not because it makes me feel good, but because I, as a leader, am committed to both the organization's goals and to seeing a colleague grow in their personal life.

Start on a positive note

• Immediately affirm the person.  You might not like what they have done and this needs to be dealt with but always affirm first.
• Don’t confuse the person with the behaviour
  Watch out when people say they agree with you in principle. It usually means they are getting ready to argue.

Outline the problem

Structure what you need in three parts:

What   Describe what the other person is doing to cause you a problem.

Example: "You have been coming late to staff meetings."

How   Tell how this makes you feel. "And this frustrates me as a leader.

Why   Tell why this is important to you. "I have been stressing the need to be on time and your tardiness sets a bad example.”

Encourage a response (They need to get their side of the story off their chest)

The people affected are going to feel shock, bitterness, resentment. And they may not spare your feelings by hiding behind a stiff upper lip. Whatever they say or keep to themselves they won't be ready to listen to the reason this is happening to them until they've expressed their emotion or had time to swallow the hurt.

Show that you understand the other person’s position (This is not agreeing)

Repeat or rephrase the person's explanation.

• Do I understand you correctly when you said…
• Does this express how you feel?
• Does this express what you said?

Explain why the action might be wrong

Ask them to repeat or rephrase why the action was wrong.

• Now why is that not the way we want things to happen?

Indicate the desired action to be taken

• This places the focus on the future. The person who wants to change will gravitate toward the possibility of making things better.
• There is an emotional release when you confront and when you get things out in the open. 
• This emotional release is important but there needs to be a willingness on the part of the “offender” to change – to focus on the future
• When you see eagerness to fix the problem, then the confrontation has been successful.
• If you see resistance, rationalisation, giving up then the problem is not fixed.
• In other words, don’t accept emotional release as acceptance or as a willingness to change.

Reiterate the positive strengths of the person

What gets rewarded gets done. (#1 Management Principle)

• Go back to their strengths.  Thank them for who they are and tell them about the areas you appreciate so much about them.

Put the issue in the past

Never bring it up again unless the problem re-occurs or you use it to affirm positive change and growth. (Remember when we had that discussion about...)

Sometimes you may receive confrontation material such as a letter from someone when you least expect it.  It may even come after a positive face-to- face meeting a few days previous.  When you get ambushed in this way, how should you respond?

1. Realize that nothing happens without a reason
   Negative things can result in positive growth. There is a reason these things happen and we can respond positively and choose to benefit from it.
2. Ask for wisdom from others (and God)
   Give the letter to three other trusted friends and only talk to them when they have read it.  Seek their advice and wisdom
3. Separate the message from the messenger
   This is difficult   the message is more important because of who said it, than what was said. (and visa versa?)  Maybe you don’t like the messenger but the message could be true.  If you put the message with the messenger you will become emotionally involved.  This will mask objectivity.
4. Don’t be defensive
   As a leader, you can never afford to be defensive.  Do you recognise any of these proverbs? 
   Anyone willing to be corrected is on the pathway to life
   To refuse reproof is stupid
   To learn you must want to be taught
   A fool thinks he needs no advice, but the wise person listens to others
   Don’t refuse to accept criticism, get all the help you can
   People who refuse to admit their mistakes can never be successful
5. Work on the areas of truth
   Even if you feel misrepresented, look for the “grains of truth”
   There is a kernel of truth in every criticism. Look for it and when you find it, rejoice in its value.  (Dawson Trotman)
6. Let go of the areas that are beyond your control
   Don’t be responsible for or ownership of other people’s problems. 
   J. Oswald Sanders in his book, Spiritual Leadership, suggests that every call for help cannot be responded to. If leaders sincerely plan their day and carry out that plan to the best of their ability, they can and must leave it there. Leaders’ responsibilities extend only to those matters that lie within their control.
7. Seek reconciliation
   Remember a goal for confrontation is a growing relationship.
8. Become accountable
   "Two are better than one ... If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! ...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Write down five important concepts you learned about confrontation

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5. ______________________________________________________________

With whom can I use these strategies/concepts/ideas?

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3._______________________________________________________________

Where outside of my work, can I use these strategies/concepts/ideas?

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2. ______________________________________________________________

3. ______________________________________________________________

Acknowledgement is given to Dr. John C. Maxwell, INJOY LIFE CLUB