Over the last 20-30 years, the role of women – as wives, mothers, and workers, has changed. Women are now demanding very different things from their husbands and partners. Terry Melvin, Manager of Mensline Australia writes that women are for the first time in history insisting on real emotional intimacy in their marriages. And men are coming up short.

Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Terrence Real says we don’t raise, nor have we ever raised, boys and men to be intimate partners, but to be strong, competitive performers.

The ABS Report on Marriages and Divorce for 2001 reveals there were 55,000 legal separations and of these more women (47%) than men (30%) lodged applications for divorce.

When faced with separation many men are taken by surprise, after having failed to recognise that their relationship was in trouble or that they failed to act on and address their partner’s concerns.

At Mensline, we are hearing stories from men who are bemused, confused and bewildered when faced with separation. They thought they had been doing a good job as a husband, father and breadwinner. Measured against the criteria men carry in their head of what they should be doing in relationships, they probably are doing a “good job”. However, it may not be what their partner wants and what is required to sustain a healthy relationship in the 21st century.

Over the last 20-30 years, the role of women as wives, mothers, and workers, has changed. Women are now demanding very different things from their husbands and partners. Terrence Real suggests that women are for the first time in history insisting on real emotional intimacy in their marriages. And men are coming up short. (Awful Truth: Most men are just not raised to be intimate; Psychotherapy Networker; November/December 2002)

This is not to say, as is often imputed to men, that we don’t care about our relationships. We do. If we look at the real distress separation causes many of us, and the way we manage that experience so poorly, relationships obviously mean a great deal for us.

Change in job descriptions

The problem for us men, according to Real, is that our job description has changed and we are no longer skilled to function in the roles of husbands, fathers or lovers. He goes on to add that we can’t blame each of these individually…. Men’s job descriptions have changed – and men are unprepared for the change. We don’t raise, nor have we ever raised, boys and men to be intimate partners, but to be strong, competitive performers. The pressure to be hard, logical, independent and stoic all too often sets men up to be emotionally distant, arrogant, numb to their own feelings and unconcerned about everyone else’s, as well contemptuous of vulnerability and weakness.

These aren’t pathological aberrations; they’re the defining characteristics of manhood in our culture. The very values and traits instilled in us as boys – whether we want them or not – ensure that we’ll become lousy husbands.  Awful Truth.

When we rigidly adhere to the traditional characteristics of masculinity, we are more likely to experience mental health difficulties.

Traditional masculine ways of relating is a health hazard.

The traditional masculine ways of relating identified by Real, is supported by a growing body of evidence which indicates that the way we are raised as boys into manhood is detrimental not only for our relationships with women, but also for our relationships with other men and ourselves. When we rigidly adhere to the traditional characteristics of masculinity, we are more likely to experience mental health difficulties. These include depression and anxiety, finding ourselves socially isolated, at risk of suicide or self-harming behaviour, not asking for help when it is needed and having difficulty developing and sustaining intimate relationships.

One consequence of an adherence to traditional masculinity is the inability to identify and express our feelings (Alexithymia). Many of us men are raised with a very limited emotional vocabulary. This does not mean that we do not feel. In fact, we feel as deeply as women. However, social conditioning often leads to the repression of our emotional life and its expression. Such feelings as hurt, sadness, pain, shame and care are ‘no go’ areas because to express these is to show vulnerability. On the other hand, feelings such as anger, frustration, and aggression are legitimate and are important tools in a competitive environment. An inability to express feelings freely can often lead to feeling overwhelmed by emotion (flooding). This may explain why many of us withdraw into caves or sheds or erupt with violence or aggression.

Men have different experiences of intimacy

We experience and express intimacy differently to women. The prevailing view is that the only legitimate expression of intimacy is the face-to-face, eyeball-to-eyeball, spill-your-guts type intimacy. We are not well trained in the school of intimacy. We are doers and problem solvers. We see the world as objects and things and our conversation is about anything but the personal. We are not broken, but come from a different world.

Bernie Zibergeld, another US psychologist who works with men says that men often express intimacy in what he calls side-by-side intimacy. (Source, information gathered from a talk by the author) Two men under the bonnet of a car may have a real experience of closeness and bonding. The husband, who brings home the bacon, fixes the tap, cooks the barbecue is expressing his love and care for his partner or family.

In the prevailing culture, our ways of ‘being’ and ‘relating are often overlooked or diminished. The challenge for us is to learn the steps to a new way of being in relationship. This, as Real says, is like learning a second language.  Moreover, it is about developing an awareness of how mainstream culture rewards compliance to traditional roles. Grandiose men and accommodating women are often 'successful’ by the world’s standards, even while their relationships are miserable. Awful Truth.

Terry Melvin

Manager of Mensline Australia

 

Hot Tips!

• Realize that men do not have to become ‘feminised’ in order to be intimate and make sure your sons understand this.
• Seek out opportunities to grow in this area to enhance physical, emotional, and mental health so you can be a model for your sons.
• Communicate openly with your partner each day in a two way exchange resisting the temptation to ‘fix her problem’.  Your children will be watching and learning from you.
• Use creative methods such as letters, tapes, cards, emails and video to share your thoughts and feelings and encourage your boys to do the same.
• Find opportunities to develop in areas where you know your relationship could benefit your partner and your children such as effective parenting seminars, talks on raising boys and books on these subjects.
• Avoid stereotypical language and behaviour such as “boys don’t cry”, “boys have to be tough”, and “take your punishment like a man” and so on.

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Mensline Australia is a national telephone counselling, information and referral service for men with family and relationship difficulties. It operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is available from anywhere in the country for the cost of a local call. To talk it over with a Mensline counsellor, call 1300 78 99 78.

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Who Typically Contacts MLA?

A snapshot of a Mensline Australia caller suggests that the caller is most likely to be male, aged between 29-49 years, with full-time or part-time work, living alone or in shared accommodation.  He is most likely to be divorced and has children.  His principle concerns will be about separation and/or shared parenting arrangements.  He is most likely to be anxious or depressed and feeling socially isolated.  He is likely to be on the phone for approximately 22 minutes.  If he accepts a referral to another service, it is most likely to be to relationship counselling, men’s programs or legal services.

Relationship Difficulties and the Impact on the Workplace

Research undertaken by MLA into the impact of family and relationship difficulties on the workplace indicates that:

1. 90% acknowledged that their relationship difficulties had an impact.  Over 71% rated this impact between 6 and 10 on a ten-point scale as having detrimental consequences for their performance in the workplace.  41% rated the impact as severe.
2. All who recognised some sort of impact acknowledged that they felt stressed and anxious.  78% said they felt distracted and couldn’t concentrate; 61% were depressed and withdrew or isolated themselves.  Nearly 45% acknowledged taking time off work because they could not cope. 
3. Others (57%) reported getting angry and fighting with people at work.  Nearly 16% reported being involved in mishaps and accidents while 18% decided to quit their job.

Source Mensline Australia  - Facts and Stats Feb 2003

Terry Melvin, Manager, Mensline Australia