To hear people say they don’t have any friends is very sad.  We often have men’s wives say, “I wish my husband would join your Men’s Group because he just doesn’t have any friends.” Finding companionship is such an important social need for all humans. Men, in particular, often experience isolation for many different reasons both at work and even in their own home.  Men’s inability to express their feelings, develop intimacy and their fear of not presenting the ‘macho’ male image, all contribute to loneliness.

Living with loneliness can also bring spiritual oppression. Many suicide notes point to loneliness and reveal a demonic struggle. In the wilderness of loneliness we are terribly vulnerable. What we want is out, and sometimes there appears easy ways to get there. If we do take the easy options, we may find a measure of happiness, but it will certainly not last nor give us the deep inner peace and joy that we yearn for. This article outlines some steps and process of counselling for loneliness.

Men first need to understand the root causes and the current circumstances behind their loneliness.  The following four scenarios help to focus the different ways men experience loneliness.

You wouldn’t think of me as lonely. My address book is bulging with business contacts that I regularly call. I supervise ten people, and I have a wife and two kids. However, I can go for days without a warm and friendly conversation. When you boil it down, my business contacts aren’t really personal friends - we just need each other to further our careers. My subordinates at work see me as a boss, not a friend. And my wife... well, we’ve drifted into our own separate worlds, and she likes it like that. Do you know what I’d give for a real friend?

I am single, living far away from my family. I desperately miss feeling like I belong somewhere. I go to church, and deliberately sit by families and older couples, hoping to be adopted by someone. But I never am. Oh, everyone is friendly, but just at arm’s length. I’m sitting here in my apartment today on Christmas Day wishing I was at a family barbecue or with them just watching football on TV. It really hurts. What can I do to alleviate this awful ache of loneliness?

It’s been two years since my divorce and I thought that these horrible feelings of loneliness would be gone by now. But I’m still not used to setting the table for one - or worse, being the odd one out when I go out with couples from my church. Sometimes I just make excuses so I don’t have to go. I guess I feel like a total failure and I’m afraid everyone knows it. I was unable to keep my marriage together - and feel that I’ll never be happy again.

I have been trying for 6 months to break into the social groups at my school. I try to get involved but never seem to be able to make it. I have invited some classmates around, but so far they have declined to come. I am surrounded by people, but I feel terribly lonely, so much so that I want to run away, but I can’t. Nobody seems to want to be friends with me.

Do any of these four scenarios resonate with you?  If so, read on to discover some helpful information to this widespread problem.

We need to realise that loneliness is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is feeling alone no matter how many people are around. Loneliness is also captured in the following ways:

• Loneliness is feeling disconnected, unplugged, isolated, left out
• Loneliness can be an ill-defined sadness or an inexplicable desire to run and hide.
• Loneliness is an experience of isolation resulting from an individual’s separation from God, from others, and displeasure with self
• Loneliness is accompanied by a lack of inner peace and contentment
• Loneliness produces feelings of unease about how life is going
• Loneliness produces emotional pain, empty feelings, restlessness, and a yearning to be with someone

Loneliness is not necessarily an indication that something is wrong with the person or that something needs to be fixed. A person may have a network of healthy and strong relationships, but may be going through a time of change and growth, which simply must take its course.  Suffering is a lonely wilderness. Those who suffer usually feel very much alone and helpless - cut off from others who cannot understand their suffering.

There are many reasons why we experience loneliness and we should not feel guilty about this feeling, as it is, at times, a normal human condition. Feeling lonely can be because:

• We are going through a time of spiritual and emotional growth
• Emotional struggles with anger, sadness, grief, depression, and anxiety, short-circuit our connectedness
• Emotional struggles can result in a difficult personality that alienates others
• Lack of trust in others can develop distance
• Of fear of risking loving in case it is not reciprocated
• Bitterness or an unforgiving spirit prevents connection
• Distant and cold family life has not modelled healthy relationships
• We may not like ourselves very much and this making solitude desirable although painful.
• Of mobility of society sometimes prevents long-lasting relationships
• Forming
• Sin can separate us from intimacy with God and others.

Loneliness is widespread throughout society and is not confined to any one gender, age group or occupation. Teenagers need acceptance but peers often are unable to give it; the elderly who once felt worthwhile and useful may now suffer from a lack of self-worth and self-esteem because they may feel shelved, unattractive, immobile, as well as face the death of their peers.  Then there are those who are grieving; recent retirees; single adults; single parents; infertile couples; parents with empty nests; the handicapped or disabled; those in mid-life crisis; crime victim and those suffering loss such as a home, job or relationship.

Loneliness also comes to those who find themselves unequally yoked or married to someone on a different spiritual or intellectual plane (some marry for wrong reasons and find themselves trapped); the divorced (shattered dreams, feelings of failure, complex and difficult relationships); stay-at-home mums with small children; people new to a community or group; those suffering illness especially long-term; those struggling with unanswered questions; those struggling with moral failures or addictions (substance abuse, sexual addictions, homosexuality); lone believers in the workplace (the workplace can be very lonely if not accepted, and it can be a place of much criticism); those in Christian work and particularly leadership (come in for much criticism); and executives and high achievers where the price of success is often loneliness, particularly if it meant ‘climbing over’ rather than ‘lifting up’ others.

What needs to be remembered is, that if loneliness is self-created through such things as immorality, poor choices and damaged relationships, then rebuilding must take place. Whilst compassion is needed, sympathy cannot be the substitute for taking personal responsibility for our choices and turning our back on the sources of self-inflicted loneliness.

As we rebuild our relationships with people we need to acknowledge the need for three types of intimacy - intimacy with God; intimacy with others in healthy interdependent relationships; and intimacy with ourselves through self-acceptance and self-appreciation. 

The cycle of unrealistic expectations: Chronically lonely people find it extremely difficult to develop meaningful relationships. By refusing to accept some of the basic realities of life, these people cling to the thought that there is the ideal somewhere. Their burning desire for this ideal life causes them to distort what is real, and to become disappointed when their dream or ideal fails to materialize. Such an approach to life places tremendous pressure on relationships.

The cycle of excessive dependence: Overly dependent people tend to follow predictable progression in their relationships. They first discount their own abilities to take charge of their own life. Second they expect others to fulfil their needs for them. Third, they make demands upon those they depend. Naturally this causes others to retreat from them, keeping at a distance. The dependent person soon finds them back at cycle one only to cycle through again.
 

The cycle of angry alienation: Loneliness doesn’t always look withdrawn and sad. In order to compensate for their lack of relationships, some lonely people develop harsh, critical spirits. Instead of withdrawing from the crowd, they lash out. They are angry for feeling isolated and they want others to know it. The temporary feelings of superiority created by criticism may ease their loneliness for a while.              

Helping the lonely

There are no sure methods to dispel loneliness. It is a common, inescapable test of life. The best ways to help someone who is expressing feelings of loneliness is to listen to them. Invest time with them; take care of their physical needs and encourage them to stretch their minds with good books. There are some great principles of life that can assist you as you assist the lonely.  We are encouraged to love one another, accept one another, be humble and serve one another, be patient with one another, be kind and forgiving to one another, be accountable to one another, comfort one another, live in peace with one an other, be hospitable to one another, be sensitive to one another, be devoted to one another, encourage and build up one another and be of the same mind with one another. Wow, imagine how you could help the lonely if you applied these principles!

When you find yourself consumed with loneliness, be pro-active in developing friendships and relating to others. By being pro-active you can also watch out for and withstand a number of emotional, personal and spiritual temptations that lonely people can fall in to. Emotionally watch out for the feelings of self-pity bitterness, resentfulness and unforgiveness. Beware of personal temptations including addictive behaviours, compulsions (over-eating, over-spending), workaholism, self isolation and conformity to the world while spiritually, take personal responsibility; don’t end up blaming God, and being sceptical and bitter.

Also practice the above principles outlined under the previous heading, because focussing on others is a powerful antidote for loneliness. Live creatively in your time of loneliness. Who can you give to? What can be done now that cannot be done at other less lonely times? How can you invest time and energy into other people? Concentrate on today - don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. Seek to understand other’s needs, accept other people warts and all, forgive generously and share your struggles with a trusted few.
 

Finally, the loneliness you feel could be God’s hand developing your character through a personal wilderness. Learn as much as possible as you travel through it. Remember that removing the problem would also remove the spiritual growth and the blessing it brings. By accepting loneliness for whatever purpose and time it is given by you, you will grow and develop as a person through it.  Remember: “Pain”, as C.S. Lewis said, “is God’s megaphone. He whispers to us in our joys, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain.” The pain of loneliness is one tool He uses to get our attention.  Waiting on God in the midst of loneliness is a call to faith. There is a place called Hope and you will come through!

Ric Benson and Edward Gifford