The Importance of a Father’s Relationship with his Son in Transitioning Him into Manhood

Having just returned from another father and sons camp I am convinced of the need to heal the tremendous father-son wounds in our Australian families. Men are grappling with many unresolved issues and are finding it difficult to integrate their own lives, let alone their sons.  

Something has happened to the Australian male. Something has crept into the very fabric of our men’s souls that has created a crisis in their manhood. John Eldridge in his best selling book Wild at Heart says, “Everyman knows that something has happened, something has gone wrong…We just don’t know what it is…Men are waking up in the morning with an anxiousness that seems to have no immediate source.” 

We are living in an age where men, particularly fathers, are suffering from role confusion. Where men once new their role and their place in society, men today are confused, frustrated and disillusioned. Robert Bly in his book Iron John says …“it is clear that the images of adulthood given by the popular culture are worn out; a man can no longer depend on them. By the time a man is 35 he knows that the image of the right man, the tough man, the true man which he received in high school, do not work for life today. Such a man is open to new visions of what a man is or could be… We know that our society produces a plentiful supply of boys, but seems to produce fewer and fewer men.” 

Furthermore, comments from Australian women continually emphasise that many men are not willing to take responsibility for their own lives or make decisions in family life and many of these women see their spouses as ‘boys in men’s bodies.’

There was a time when a man knew what his role was and he took pride in fulfilling that role. Today men and fathers are confused and many seek their identity in what they do in the work place. Consequently, they have left responsibility for the home and especially the children largely to their spouses and partners. Whilst some men live holistic balanced lives and actively take part in raising their children, many struggle to connect.  This is especially true with their sons. Ironically, it is when a boy reaches puberty that he needs a strong relationships and wise counsel from his father.  Sadly, at puberty we see boys further disconnect from their dads and this often results in an unbalanced and overly connected relationship with their mothers. It is not that mothers are not doing a great job, it just that our men struggle with building healthy relationships with their boys and with other men.

This shift in relationships first became apparent between The Great War and World War 2.  During the 1st World War sons would start their letters with “Dear Father…” This contrasted to letters in the 2nd World war where the greeting was usually to “Dear Mother…”  It is not unusual today for a son to ring home from college wanting to talk with their father.  Typically, even if the father answers, the son is promptly passed on to their mother. It is almost as if men just do not know how to communicate with their sons anymore or perhaps they perceive that only mother can help.

The sad fact I have found from counselling men is that our sons are desperately, deep down, longing to be more connected with their fathers. The sad reality is that most fathers have run from this responsibility because they do not know what to do. Could it be because they themselves were never initiated and mentored into manhood?

Where do boys get their manhood from?  An amazing statistic is that 37% of all Australian homes do not have a male father figure at home for young boys to look up to or be mentored by.   It is quite possible for many of our boys to grow up with little or no direct input from a father. These boys go to school and will have predominantly female teachers (male teachers are leaving the teaching profession in droves especially in the primary schools). Many may attend community groups yet, sadly, many of these often are without male community leaders. This means that the women step in yet again. The question is, “Where does a boy get his manhood from? To whom does he turn to understand what a real man is, to learn about his responsibilities, his roles and so on? Often there is just silence. Many of our young men are feeling distinctly uncomfortable about being a man.

I remember a time when my father would say, “Son eat this…it will put hairs on your chest”. Hairs on the chest in my day were seen as being manly. Yet today many men are often revolted about masculine hair and choose to have their bodily hair removed. (Metro sexual men) Could it be that these men are modelling their masculinity from the only relationship left to them…their mothers? 

Up until the age of 10 or 11 it is quiet natural for a boy to be more relationally connected with his mother. This hopefully has been a loving relationship where the mother has weened and nurtured that boy into his teens. But it is at puberty that a mother needs to be able release her sons and allow them to move into manhood under the instruction and leadership of their father and or other men in the community.

There are at least three necessary transitions for a boy to move into manhood

• Age 0 to 11.  Largely a combined effort by mother and father, yet mothers are still the main nurturing source for boys
• Age 11 onwards. Mothers need to release their boys to their father who begins an intentional nurturing role
• Age 13 onwards.  Fathers need to introduce their sons to other men who will become the boy’s helpers in life.

Men were not created to be loners or beings without emotions or feelings. They were created to be in community and to be built up by the men of the community. In all ancient cultures around the world it was never the women who told their boys that they were men. It was the men who took on the role of validating their boys into manhood.

At a recent men’s camp, a young professional man stood up with tears steaming down his face. I asked him what was the matter, and he replied that all his life, he had had a deep emotional longing to be validated as a man. That weekend changed his life. The men had taken their rightful place and initiated him into manhood. 

How do we solve this crisis in Australian Manhood? Where do we get the men to begin this process?  There is much going on in the nation to address this issue.  I would like to suggest two possible solutions to the problem.

Firstly, it is a Fathers role to speak into their son’s inner lives in terms of:

• Affirmation – “Son, I believe in you. I am so proud of you.”
• Transition – “Son you have just transitioned from boyhood to the beginnings of manhood.”
• Community of Men – “Son, you and I need to work together with other men so we can mentor you in what it means to be a man.” 
• Purpose – “Son, becoming a man is not only beautiful but it is also has an important role for your family, your community and for this nation.”
• Responsibility- “Son, with this role comes not only respect but also responsibilities - not only for you but also for others, and especially women. You will now begin to take on some responsibilities in our family. These include being responsible for your own life.”
• Sexuality and purity – “Son, you will need to manage your sexuality. So many men are trapped in addictive behaviours that began as young boys and you need to be aware of and know how to handle these issues. I want to help you through this.”
• Validation –“Son, remember that from today onwards you are no longer a child but a man. I am so proud of you.”

Our boys need the imprint and validation of masculinity from their fathers and or other men in community. So many boys and men are stuck in their childhood and find it difficult to transition to being men.

A second solution is through mentoring. This concept is supported by the 2003 National Fatherhood Conference in Parliament House Canberra. National mentorship programs were the number one action point of a 12 point national plan for men.

Since 1998 MTM has been running leadership and mentorship programs for men in the Western Brisbane area and from this group has emerged MTM Australia, whose charter is to empower the men of Australia and beyond. This organisation offers a range of mentorship programs including counselling, manhood seminars, small discussion and mentoring groups, social event groups and camps for men and their sons.

To turn the tide is an enormous task and it will need many organisations with a “heart” to see our boys to become men, to begin to see some change. Another such organisation that has taken up the challenge is the Uncle Program which you can read about in this issue.

If what you have read here resonates with you and you would like to help or you need help, then please contact us. We would love to hear from you.

MTM Australia is currently working on a four day Rites of Passage Adventure for men and their sons. Interested? Contact us on mtm.aust@bigpond.net.au or 07-38768710

Rob Jones Founder, MTM Australia