Central to being On-Purpose is the living out of one's purpose in all  relationships and life areas. It is about aligning the Purpose of the person with the Purpose of the organisation (Pp<->Po). The organisation, of course, can be a home, a marriage, a business, a government department, a country and so on. Central to this alignment is significance and belonging. Where people feel their contribution is not meaningful and they don't feel valued and part of a team, this alignment is missing. This means that people, by definition, are Off-Purpose in that environment and relationship.

This concept can be applied across all life areas, and  I am going to keep it in mind  as I suggest ways of strengthening alignment in marriages and partnerships.
 
Nearly half of first marriages are failing (43%) and this figure rises (67%) in second marriages. Clearly, the Purpose Principle is not evident in these statistics. The high cost of divorce and relationship breakdown is seen not only in the break-up of the family but has ripple effects financially, socially, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

It's a national disaster as it touches nearly all of us personally at some stage and in some way. Just as the discussion on global warming and its effects may be an "inconvenient truth", so too are the effects of relationship breakdown equally 'inconvenient.'  It's time that this topic was elevated to the environmental sustainability debate also.

If you find that your marriage or partnership is not as strong as you would like, or if you would like to restore some romance  into your marriage, here are some ways to make your relationship more On-Purpose. You do not need to make huge changes to see encouraging results.

Strengthening Significance

Marvellous Memories

Remembering the past good times is a great first step. Wind back the DVD of your early times together. Walk down memory lane together. Talk to your partner about how you first met, your first restaurant meal together, a special place, your first movie together, where you have been, where you have come from, what you have experienced together. Sharing those significant and meaningful past experiences and history is powerful and bonding. So make a date and reminisce. Bring out the old photo albums and videos and remember the height of love from which you may have fallen. Some of you may believe the height of the fall to be so great that it would be impossible to climb all the way back. Not true! Many people have in fact climbed back and made a success of their relationship and in fact are more able to love now than they ever were. Memories also assist couples to weigh up the gravity of their decision to divorce.

Three Things Today

For years now my wife and I have practised reflecting on positive things which happen each day. At night around the dinner table or before retiring, we ask each other "What are three positive things that have happened today?" (It's interesting that the benefits of this activity have been supported by the recent positive psychology work of Dr Martin Seligman). Include your children in this if you can. No matter how insignificant you think things are, speak about them to each other. You will be amazed at how this will strengthen your relationship.

'Playtime' with your Partner

Everyone is busy, including you and your partner. There are always dozens of things to be done over and above work. If you fail to invest time into your relationship 'account', it will become bankrupt. You cannot afford to neglect investing time with your partner. Try some of these ideas. Spend an hour together each night before retiring, have a weekly date, catch a movie, curl up together on the same sofa, go for a walk, cook a meal together, go ice skating, have a coffee or do something new together or something unexpected. Creatively 'waste' time together. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take pleasure in the moment, and enjoy the "now" and have some fun together. This overlaps with developing a sense of belonging but such activities are important in developing significance in your relationship.

Significant relationships are transparent and open. So often we think that if we can change the behaviour of our partner we will be happy. Take your focus off the 'sins' of your partner and start looking at your contribution to the success or otherwise, of the relationship. Take ownership, be responsible and accountable for your own feelings, attitudes and behaviours, not your partner's. Keep your ego in check and say sorry when you 'muck up.' Marriage is not about being 'happy ever after.' Dynamic marriages are made up of two growing people. A relationship is only as good as the two individuals make it. When we see the flaws and weaknesses in our own behaviour, (not our partner's) we are in a stronger position to love, be honest, extend grace, communicate, solve problems and resolve conflict.

The big love 'breakers' in marriage are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, annoying behaviour, selfish demands, dishonesty, a domineering spirit of control, unfaithfulness, abuse, desertion, and passivity. Your role is not to find these faults in your partner and to apportion blame but to see if you exhibit any of these yourself.

So, in essence, the greatest thing we can do to develop a significant relationship is to take a good look at ourselves. The challenges of facing the reality of our own failures, of personal development and of solving problems are important, but over-arching these is the challenge of learning to practise unconditional love. When things aren't going well, we need to look in the mirror for the source of the problem.

In our Life Planning Programs our clients learn to develop their own Purpose Statements. This includes aligning their Vision, Missions and Values to their life Purpose. Done at a macro level, and also for each of the seven life accounts – Family, Finance, Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical/Health, Social and Vocational, it is a powerful  process with benefits at many levels.

Have you ever done something like that for your own life?  Have you ever done it together, sharing your Purpose, Visions, Missions and Values with your partner? This is extraordinarily engaging and revealing, and gives a level of meaning and significance that you may never have experienced before or even dreamed of.

Much of the above will also foster a sense of belonging – the other variable essential for positive alignment in a marriage relationship. While some wisdom literature would encourage us to 'detach' and not be dependent in any way on others for our happiness, humans have a basic social need of being loved, accepted and valued for who they are. As in the corporate world where team work and acceptance are essential for maintenance of a positive work place culture and staff morale, so too do these need to be evident in a marriage relationship. Whilst the following suggestions may seem very behavioural and thus superficial, we sometimes forget that even changing something small and simple can make a huge difference in the way we feel valued, appreciated and accepted.

Try 'Thanks'

Thank you seems to be an undervalued word these days. Just as saying sorry can be  powerful in fostering stronger relationships, so too can the word thank you. When was the last time you thanked your spouse or partner for something they have done, no matter how small? A lack of mutual appreciation often characterises marriages that are out of alignment. Be unconditionally thankful and grateful.

In the book Song of Songs (4:1-7) a number 'sweet tunes' men and women like to experience are presented.

Women desire caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. Men desire trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. All pretty old fashioned stuff. Try it – you'll be surprised how this will help you lift your relationship to the heights of 'your first love.'

Demonstrative Deeds

Be demonstrative towards your partner. It's not enough to assume that they know you love them. Show them in small ways that you do. A short note tucked away where they will find it, a five minute back rub (no strings attached guys), a single flower from the garden, a homemade dinner or breakfast that you took time to prepare,– all demonstrate your attitude towards your partner.

Recall the power of non verbal communication through something like touch. It is a primary human sense  through which we can show how much we care. Remember about your appearance also. Too often couples stop feeling the need to look good for their partner. If you don't care what you look like, your partner may find it difficult to care about it too. The danger of course is that you only love the person if they "do" these things.

I'm certainly no marriage counsellor, but this year we reach our 40^th wedding anniversary. I often fall short but am beginning to understand the power of love and the many small ways it can be applied to strengthen significance and belonging in relationship. Let me know if any of these work for you!

Edward Gifford

Principal Coach, On-Purpose Partners

© Edward Gifford, 2009 (revised)

Acknowledgements: I am grateful to my Mentor and friend Ric Benson for his insights into this subject and to wife Angela who always provides me with helpful editorial support as well as being my best friend.